Yes, I’m being selfish. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. I miss him, but I would never wish my sweet puppy soulmate back into the suffering he was enduring at the end of his life. Even though I know that he is happily zipping around in nonphysical, I do selfishly miss his little body zipping around here in my house. I miss my little Joy Boy. I miss hugging him. I miss his kisses. I miss his gruffly dreams while he is sleeping. I miss his smiling eyes when we put his beads on him. I miss him playing with his favorite ball toy. I miss his supervising all that happened in the kitchen. I miss his happy barks in the car. I miss everything about him. Buster was in every part of every day of my life for 15 years. He was my child.
What a wonderful gift I’ve been given these last few weeks, too, though – folks, who could see and who understood my pain of loss, bravely and compassionately stepped up to tell their stories … validating, uplifting, and reassuring. I’m not sure what I would have done without your care and kindness. You see, I’ve never been through something just like this before.
How do you tell the world that your dog was as precious to you as a human child born to a mother? Is that crazy? I’m finding that I’m way not alone. And it’s not crazy. I’m grieving this loss – not to try to hold on to what was – but to try to make sense of what is now. And, surprisingly, I’m getting to know and understand myself better in the process, clarifying even more what is truly important in life and realizing that I have zero desire to be around anyone who belittles someone else’s pain, because no one can truly know another’s pain.
“It was just a dog – not like he was a human child.” Really? “Do you know what atrocities are going on in the world, and you are crying over a dog?” Really?? Well, yes, I’m crying over my dog, because it was unfolding in my living room, in my arms, in my heart. Everyone has the same right to work through their personal pain – whatever it is – and should be able to do so without ridicule. The goal is always to move to a better feeling emotion; we all just get there in our own way and time.
Now, I believe and know that all beings are infinite and eternal, part of All That Is, and that there is actually no such thing as death as we usually think of it. All of our loved ones are continuing. The trick is to get passed the “but they’re not here beside me anymore” part. So, yes, I am wishing that I could hold Buster, right this minute. But, you know what? I’m okay with this selfish desire. I’m okay with reminiscing some, putting all of his photos in order, doing posts in facebook about him, keeping his favorite toys and blankies, letting his bed stay where it is, sharing stories about him, crying now and again and again ….
The truth is that I know his essence is around me. I can feel him. I’ve seen a few flashes of him. The trick to this grieving thing is this: don’t grieve for the rest of your life and don’t stop living your life; instead, honor your loved one by living your best life and use what you learned about love with them to love even more for the rest of your life. Once I stop crying so much, I intend to do just that.
I know for a fact that I’m a better person because I was Buster’s mom. What an honor and privilege. The essence of Buster will forever be a part of me, as I am a part of who he is, too. All of our lives have intersected, haven’t they? That you have read this brings you into the circle, as well.
There is no separating. There is only allowing and continuing.
Blessings to all. Love to all. Joy to all. Peace to all. Hope to all.